Happiness is no longer optional.

Well, I bit the bullet today and went to the doctor to talk to him about my brain. I have taken anti-depressants on and off for over 12 years. I quit taking them this fall and I really shouldn't have. My anxiety, panic attacks, OCD episodes, crying sprees, etc. have really gotten out of controll, so I got some help.

This is a new (ish) doc. I was at first concerned because he is a man, but he makes me feel pretty comfortable. He asked lots of questions to try to understand what was going on with me, but I had a hard time explaining the craziness inside my head.

How do I explain that it is an enormous struggle just to enter the classroom every day? The wave of claustrophobia that squashes me and makes it hard to breathe. The anxiety that makes it almost impossible to hear and retain information.

How do I explain that I can't watch the news because it will make me bawl like a baby? My cheeks are wet right this moment just writing about all of this crap. I don't think it is normal to cry several times every day. Is it?

I am young. I should be excited about my life. Excited about being a mom to a beautiful marvelous boy and spending many more years with him. Maybe being a grandmother some day.

Instead, I find myself wanting to crawl in the closet and hide. I feel like I am waiting to die instead of fighting to live. I don't want to be this way anymore.

I am making this promise to myself today. I want to take my health...my life...in my own hands. I want to live a long life and be happy while doing it. I will start seeing a counselor, start back on my meds, and start living a healthier life. Starting now.

If I don't I will die. My child will not have a mother. That is not an option.